Post 18 – Would you?
Seth was still in his pyjamas when I arrived at his house. It wasn’t a big deal until he told me that he just woke up. He still had to shower, and eat breakfast. The time was past 10:00AM and I was eager to start painting.
If he still had to eat, shower and dress, we wouldn’t get down to painting for another hour! Upset that he was unprepared, I felt like leaving.
“Karen is not here today, so we have all day to paint.” he said, referring to his wife.
He prepared an elaborate breakfast with eggs, toast and fried potatoes. He offered to make extra, but I wasn’t hungry. I felt like screaming: “I already ate! And you should have eaten before I arrived!”, but I didn’t say anything.
Time was ticking and I was losing my patience!
While he ate, I talked about what I wanted to paint. He seemed disengaged, so I asked him about his painting project. He answered briefly, without much detail or interest in continuing the conversation.
“Sorry, I’m a bit distracted!”, he exclaimed, followed by a long pause.
Waiting silently, I wondered what he was thinking.
“I went out with a friend last night…”, he said, then he took a bite of egg.
Seemed like he was chewing slowly. Again, I felt like yelling: “And? What! Tell me!”
His unhurried, leisurely manner was driving me crazy!
Finally, he continued, “He told me he’s been having an affair with a woman for a few months. He said his life has never been better!”
I was taken aback.
I wasn’t sure what to say! It was such a personal topic, yet, Seth brought it up with such ease, in the same manner someone would talk about the weather.
“You know…”, he continued in his casual voice, “a lot of my friends have had affairs. Seems to be the norm. I mean – more people than you think are having affairs.”
It’s clear he wanted to get an idea of where I stood on the matter. What was I to say?
“Have you ever had an affair?” I asked, putting the attention on him.
“No.” He replied.
Silence. Neither one of us said a word for at least two minutes. It was awkward.
“Would you ever have an affair?” he asked nonchalantly.
I bounced the question back to him without answering. “Would you?”
“Maybe” he replied. “It would have to be with someone I can totally trust.”
He paused, then looked directly at me: “Would you?”
I thought of my relationship with Myles and our lack of chemistry. Our sex life was practically non-existent. Would I have an affair? My initial reaction was a firm “NO!”, but I didn’t say no.
“I would be tempted, being that there is no spark in my marriage.” After saying the words, I felt completely disgusted with myself! At the same time, I felt a small sense of release.
I continued talking, openly, revealing intimate information about myself, and Myles. I talked about my lack of sexual chemistry with Myles, the blame I put on myself, and my feelings of hopelessness in repairing the problem. It was the sort of discussion to have with a therapist. For so many years, I bottled up my feelings about the private challenges in my marriage.
It felt so good to let it out!
Seth listened attentively, shaking his head in agreement as a show of support. Then, out of nowhere, he stood up abruptly.
I was confused. I wasn’t quite finished talking so why was he getting up from the table?
He held his index finger up to his mouth as a gesture for me to be silent, and walked over to his cell phone, which was on the kitchen counter. He turned his phone on, and turned it off. Then he stored it in one of the drawers.
“I just want to make sure nobody hears our discussion.” He said sitting down again at the table. “You never know with these devices, hackers can find ways to record people without knowing!”
“What! That’s not possible!” I shrieked. What was he talking about?
“Well, you never know…that’s why I put my cell away. Just in case!”
Panic suddenly struck me. Was Seth recording our conversation?
My mind raced with unreasoning thoughts. What if Seth was recording me? What if Myles payed him to ask me that dreadful question: “Would you ever have an affair?” Is Myles testing my loyalty? Are Myles and Seth working together to catch me in the act of infidelity?
I revealed so much intimate, personal information to Seth that it left me thinking irrationally and feeling completely vulnerable.
“Were you recording us?” I blurted, without reservation.
“What?” Seth replied, confused. “No! Why would I do that?
“I don’t know! You freaked me out with that talk about someone hearing our conversation!”
I took a few deep breaths.
“This conversation stays between us, okay? It’s very personal!”
“Of course!” he said calmly.
He was too calm in my opinion. I felt like asking him if I could see his phone. I wanted proof that he wasn’t recording us!
What was I thinking? Why would I talk to him about my marital problems?
I felt so stupid!